Lessons Learned from the “No”

The “nope” hurts.

Anyone who has ever bravely put your name, your resume, your experience, your talent, and your ideas forth for consideration and received a great big “nope” in return knows how badly it stings.

Even if you’re not REALLY interested in, say, a fancy job you’ve been encouraged to apply for, getting the “nah, thanks but no thanks” really dings the ol’ ego.

Or, if you’re just starting to think about and share what you believe is an incredible idea, hearing something like “that doesn’t really seem like it has legs” or “why in the world do you think YOU’RE the right person to see that through?” doesn’t feel great.

Or when you’ve worked as hard as you’ve ever worked on a project (or a skill or an idea or …insert your thing here), and someone looks at you and what you’ve done and shakes their head in the negative. OUCH.

Why? Why does the “nope” hurt so badly?

Well, we think it’s because we all want to be in charge of our own destinies; WE want to be the ones to say yes or no to any opportunities presented to us. And when that’s denied to us, well, it just doesn’t feel very good. It feels like someone else is calling the shots and deciding what does – or does not – have value. And no one wants to feel like they aren’t in control of their own lives or their own choices. (Obviously.)

This is one of the reasons why we’ve said “yes” to everything that has come our way in the past year or so. We want to feel like we’re in control of our own choices and our own opportunities. And so to get as much experience as possible – in the hopes of avoiding the “nope” in the future – we’ve been saying YES.

Now, as we continue to refine our work and define the direction we want our company to grow, we know we’ll keep on trying things as they come to us and as we seek them out. We likely won’t be the ones saying “no” very often – at least for a while. And we’ve certainly had our share of HEARING “nope” over the past several years, too. And so yes, we know – it doesn’t feel good.

However, you know what’s worse than hearing no?

Hearing ……. Nothing.

Who hasn’t been “ghosted” by a job they’ve applied for? Who hasn’t been ignored when they’ve asked to connect or asked for feedback or asked for an opportunity to do something new, something different?

We’ve all been there – perhaps we’ve even done it ourselves! Rather than a firm “thanks but no thanks” or a “I’m sorry, I’m just not interested,” we’ve backed away silently, hoping to avoid anything potentially uncomfortable.

But here’s the thing: there’s power in the nope.

True, it might not be efficient to say no to everyone every time. It might not be easy to say no to someone – after all, you don’t want to “hurt their feelings” or cause any unnecessary pain. No one likes to be the bearer of bad news, after all. So it may seem kinder, and it certainly may seem easier, to drift silently away without saying anything at all.

Frankly, however, we believe the power in the “no” is vastly underestimated.

Yes, it might hurt to hear it. Yes, it might sting or bruise our confidence. And yet, it’s an answer. It’s a path closed or detoured. It’s a signal to move along on something else. It’s a word that might well make you ask yourself, “Ok, what’s next?” Or, “What COULD I be doing now…instead of what SHOULD I be doing right now?” 

So in the spirit of all of the massive layoffs we’ve been reading about and talking about this week (looking at Meta, Google,.......) and in the spirit of our newly boiled down “how we help” statement (“we help clients and friends and colleagues learn to communicate more clearly”), take this for what it’s worth:

There’s power in the no.

Say no.

Ask for a no.

Give that jobseeker a no.

Tell that connection request no.

Clear communication begins with understanding the power of the words we choose. And there’s a lot of power in the no.